Christians at Church Having Conversations

I had the chance to give a presentation at a forum at my church, and sit on a panel discussion, along with my wife and others. The topic was healthy conversations, and how to build a culture of conversation (among disagreement) in our local church, especially in light of the state of our culture, and in anticipation of what is likely to be an interesting 2020 in America. The following is more or less what I said.

I will admit I am very uncomfortable. I would much rather be having a conversation with each of you individually, over coffee, then giving a presentation about conversations, without coffee (as it happens). 

But! It is important. I take comfort in the fact that this is the way conversations have always happened. Not all conversations happen in one sitting. The good ones at least. We are all part of a “Great Conversation”, as literary scholars refer to it. Every book, article, lecture, panel discussion, small group meeting, book club, podcast, and casual conversation in a café or pub, is building upon former thoughts for greater clarity and understanding. Our contribution is not to have the final word, but to progress the dialogue and continue to learn and grow in the knowledge of the Lord, building upon generations of thought before us. So much of Scripture really helps us with this, and in the end, the goal is our sanctification and God’s glory.

I want to give you 3 words that I hope you can remember and apply as it relates to healthy conversations, each with a basic principle. 

First, speech; build others up with our speech.

Second, harmony; live in harmony despite differences.

Third, love; love by welcoming and bearing with, and not avoiding.

Conversation is not only ubiquitous but also essential to our flourishing as humans. Imagine for a second a reality where conversation didn’t exist. What if two-way dialogue with your family on the troubles of the day, or with your Uber driver on happenings in the city, or with your co-workers about daily controversy on social media, or with the Living God related to your deepest longings, was impossible? Think about the angst of thoughts unspoken or unaffirmed. Life always involves relationships, and relationships always include conversation. We wouldn’t function without conversation. Scripture shows that conversation is a key part of our Christian discipleship. It is not a random topic. And it inherently includes disagreement.

For whatever reason, I have had several opportunities over the years to disagree with other Christians.

-        In college a close friend suddenly revealed how he didn’t believe Jesus is God.

-        Before I was at College Park I went back and forth for MONTHS with a friend about what the nature of the church should look like; a “house church” model, or a formal gathering in a building with the preaching of the Word and the sacraments.

-        Our small group has carved out from our normal small group time something we call “theology nights”, where we allow extended time for study and healthy debate on matters that are disputable but still important for us as Christians. It has been great practice to learn how to disagree well. Some of my favorite topics have been entertainment, race and the gospel, and the gifts of the spirit.

-        Right now, I am in a book study with 3 other men which has allowed us to discuss issues of racial reconciliation. Not easy!

With God’s help I think I have come away with more empathy, wisdom, and understanding of who Jesus is. And I have enjoyed the experience. There is a sweet and supernatural experience that occurs when you lovingly disagree within the context of ongoing fellowship with a brother or sister in Christ. I want that for our church! It is possible and it is worth seeking and ultimately, it is necessary to fulfill God’s will for his church and his children. So, using our 3 words, here are some practical principles of what a healthy culture of conversation could look like:

SPEECH

First, speech. How do you speak to others when they say something you disagree with? What words and tone do you use? What is the attitude and motive in your response? Much of Scripture would be virtually unintelligible if conversation didn’t exist, and so it would be foolishness to ignore the passages that one way or another encourage healthy conversation. To truly obey much of what the Bible commands us, it would be impossible to avoid disagreement and conversation about disputable matters – even within the same local church – because it would require lack of fellowship.

General Principle: Build others up with your speech.

“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” – Proverbs 12:18

“Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” – Proverbs 12:25

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

“The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit.” – Proverbs 15:4

“So then let us pursue what makes for peace and for mutual upbringing.” - Romans 14:9

What does this mean for us practically? How do we do this?

Specific Principle: Practice discernment and be sensitive to temperament.

You’ve heard this before said differently: be quick to listen, slow to speak; always assume the best; weep with those who weep; be characterized by empathy more than passion. But the connection between discernment and temperament is worth highlighting.

Proverbs 26:4-5 says, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” Which is it? Always avoid engagement or always be attracted to debate? The lesson is to pay attention to your temperament, and use discernment, and have courage to go against our temperament when appropriate.

In other words, sometimes you shouldn’t engage when you feel like you should, and other times you should engage when you normally wouldn’t. The key is to use wisdom and courage in your speech, and to always build others up.

HARMONY

Next, harmony. Disagreement inevitably exists because we are sinful people who are very different, and we are having all these conversations all the time. But, harmony is a category in our reality and a very high priority of our God. It is not an unrealistic goal; it is a real promise. And it implies difference. It’s not harmony in music when its one voice only or two voices of the same tone. God knew we would be different, he knew we would disagree, and he encourages us to seek this with great energy because harmony among differences is his design and promise.

General Principle: Live in harmony despite differences.

Paul says it this way in Romans 15:

“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant that you live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God.” – Romans 15:5-7

Paul offers this after a lengthy discourse on helping Jews and Gentiles, and those weak and strong in faith, to live in harmony despite sometime profound differences.

How do we do this, perhaps in a situation where it doesn’t seem like there are many differences?

Specific Principle: Embrace cultural and ethnic differences.

Differences are there. If it doesn’t seem like there are many differences within your community it means you aren’t having many conversations. Tim Keller points out in a sermon on Romans 14-15 that underneath many disagreements about disputable matters – whether theological, philosophical, ethical, political – are cultural differences. In all the talk about eating, and Sabbath, and holy days, what was one common denominator among the people who differed in Rome and Corinth? Cultural and ethnic differences! Jews and Gentiles!

Keller applies this by explaining that based on your cultural background and experience, you may be particularly wise as to gospel implications in some situations and particularly foolish or naïve in others. He says – don’t miss this – the more homogeneous a church is the more likely it is to have enormous blind spots. Let that sink in for a second. We need cultural diversity to more clearly see Jesus and see the gospel! The bringing together of Jew and Gentile and instructing them to work through differences and welcome each other, was a profound grace of God in the early church and can and should be today for us as well, if we would embrace it. All for the purpose of seeing and knowing Jesus more clearly!

LOVE

Finally, love. The command to love others is everywhere in the Bible. Of interest for us I think is the kind of love, in difficult conversations, that welcomes each other, and bears with one another.

General Principle: Love by welcoming and bearing with, not avoiding.

Romans 14:1-3 --- “As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions. One person believes he may eat anything, while the weak person eats only vegetables. Let not the one who eats despise the one who abstains, and let not the one who abstains pass judgment on the one who eats, for God has welcomed him.”

Colossians 3:12-14 --- “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all else put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”

What are we to do with this?

Specific Principle: No opinion or preference should be off-limits for conversation.

This is true especially within the category of what the Bible calls “disputable matters”. What does it mean to welcome one another, yet not quarrel over opinions? Surely it doesn’t mean avoid disagreement, because that would mean avoiding conversation, which would mean avoiding relationship, which would not be welcoming. Welcoming and bearing with implies engaging with disagreement in a loving way.

Each local church may define what are “disputable matters”, based on their context and what is already considered essential to membership. But in general, as Jonathan Leeman says, disputable matters usually include things that don’t affect salvation or the organization of a local congregation. For us, we have a membership covenant and statement of faith, which lays out what we believe is essential. We also as Elders are working on defining “theological distinctives”, which would communicate what is not essential to membership but represents the flavor of our church and will be visible in preaching, teaching, and general ministry. After that there will always be non-essential, yet still important, beliefs, practices, or preferences. Here is a possible list of disputable matters for us (brace yourself!): politics, dating, education, alcohol use, movies, tattoos, gambling, fertility treatment, climate change, social justice. Breathe. Everyone good?

Part of the purpose of this forum is to help us not ignore but embrace conversation on these disputable matters. There is a risk here. To some, this will always seem divisive or uninteresting. To others, this will seem more important than even preaching the gospel. What we believe should be sought is a healthy balance so that we remain gospel and Christ-centered, with the Bible as our first and final authority, yet also not within a superficial fellowship. Legitimate disagreements should not be ignored and should be a tool to contribute to our discipleship.

G.K. Chesterton famously said, “I never discuss anything except politics and religion. There is nothing else to discuss”. Imagine Chesterton at your Thanksgiving dinner table, or on social media! Or… next to you after the service ends. As fellow believers, who are eternally united by the gospel and the blood of Jesus, nothing should prevent us from sharing our thoughts on a topic, with complete assurance that a biblical “conversation” would be welcomed, even in disagreement. Healthy conversation among disagreement is perhaps one of the most tangible ways we can show to the world how we love each other.

A last suggestion I was going to give is to not seek closure prematurely. Most disputable matters have been disputable for centuries, maybe longer. It is often unhelpful to dismiss the conversation too early and cut-off further healthy dialogue. Better to offer a “to be continued”! Which is what I must do now, because this is has been too long!